Forgive

It has been on my mind for a couple of weeks, that I should forgive. It has been a hard one to tackle, somewhere missing the point of my accuse or blame towards E, since he did not do something major wrong and I know he never attended to hurt me and is truly sorry for having done so. Still I kept having waves of bitter anger at any time I felt the hurt that he caused. It has been like that for a while, but it got worse as I started to feel more disconnected from him.

I had even made a point to formulate for myself that I forgive him, but just the next time I saw him and it caused the pain, I felt as much anger against him. I started to realize that this cannot be good, but really didn't know what to do. I had tried to forgive and it didn't work - so what then? The Question now had been on my mind for a few days.

Today’s sermon was about forgiveness, first about receiving but then about forgiving others. It was highlighted that it is crucial to forgive but also that we cannot do it out of our own strength.

In short time I realized what was the Answer to my Question of the past days:

1. Not to forgive is not an option

2. I need to relay on God (not by might, not by power but by the Spirit)

3. I actually wanted someone (him) to pay for the pain, and needed to let go of it

I formulated a short prayer, admitting and repenting from the thoughts of making E pay for the pain he caused and asking God for his strength to forgive him.

It was the first time, today that I felt the pain but without the feeling of anger. Well, almost. Thoughts of Anger started to rise at one especially pain filled moment, but I was easily able to rebuke them and stand the pain without any more of it.

I see victory now, and even if I would fall again, I will go back to God and take his Grace that forgives me and his power to forgive E anew.

Corrie Ten Boom    "Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can funktion regardless of the temperature of the heart" 

Who Cares?

Thinking of how many people don't know anybody caring for them, is truly saddening. It occurred to me, that I'm part of the reason for a world full of lonely people. Isn't it self-focus and selfishness that keeps people/ keeps me from caring for others. Not feeling cared for is what I think is pretty much the same as feeling lonely.
Arrgh, how I want to be completely freed of this self-stuff, so I could serve God and others in HIS ways.
I know loneliness but I'm still thankful for living around people who have been liberated (at least to some degree) from their self-focus and selfishness and are able to care for me.
Even more than that I'm thankful for God's care I know and experience. Though knowing that I'm only able to receive and understand part of God's care it is better than anything men can give.
I long for people, as I do for myself, to see more of God's care for them.

Highlights

What do I look forward to? Isn't it that way, that we usually always look forward to something. I used to. There were the weekends, with a lot of fun with friends, there were those times I was excited about an upcoming travel or just a holiday that I would spend with people I love or... I don't remember, but it feels as if there would have been always something . For many weeks I was constantly looking forward to the next time I would see E., now I remember how harsh it felt not having that anymore.

Nowadays it feels as if work would be my main Highlight, work and the moment at night after full long days but knowing I finished my days work. All that, while doing many other "fun"-things. But I'm not really excited about them. I do them, they are good for me and I kind of enjoy them but the excitement I show is rarely from my inside. 

I really enjoy Work, though. I don't know what it is, just notice that it makes me more happy than any social event or fun-activity. Maybe it is the some kind of affirmation, which I seemingly need more than fun or relexation.

It is probably good, considering there might be only few people who love their work as I do, but at the same time it makes me a little sad. It would be awesome to get truly excited about something, to really be looking forward to something special,

Sleepless

As much as I probably would need sufficient sleep, I'm still kind of thankful for having had a few hours to rest and think. It was one of those, like so many nights in the past weeks, that I woke up in the middle and then just stayed resting in bed, mainly listening to music. I will be super tired having a very long day ahead of me, but I had some time to pray and reflect a little on where I am at, right now.

Most of the time, I feel like sitting in an anteroom waiting for God to call me in.
In one sense I assume and even experience that God is sitting just right beside me doing me good and I'm slowly healing under the work of his hands.
In another way the door to his inner room might be standing wide open, and he is calling me in, but my legs don't move or something is holding me back on my chair in the waiting room.
I don't really know, it may take a few more sleepless nights until God leads me to the answer.

God is for me

I'm very encouraged by prophetic words given to me yesterday. One of them confirmed and deepened my impression I had from God just the day before in my devotion time. The other first spoken Prophesy was exactly the same spoken to me a few months ago, what was the only other chance I ever had have to receive a prophetic word from someone else. So Both words have been clearly confirmed, which is a huge blessing, that way I cannot doubt their origin and are truly encouraged by them and keep them in my heart.

Besides being encouraged by the prophetic words themselves it was also a new confirmation of God's care for me. If I really know know with my hear (not only my mind) that he loves and cares for me, it makes a huge difference. I feel the difference. Even when being sad, I still feel encouraged. Knowing God is for me.

Paths dripping with Abundance

For a few days I was reading in Psalm 60 to 70. I think they all are particularly close to my heart but reading Psalm 65 was the first time since a while that I not only knew but felt some of the closeness to my Lord.
I'm experiencing the assurance of being chosen and called to be close to him and to find my delight and satisfaction in Himself and His goodness. Knowing this, I'm having renewed hopes. Even though it feels like desert, the path HE is taking me on, is leading into his abundance - yeah! Purpose! :)

4 Blessed is the man You choose,
And cause to approach You,
That he may dwell in Your courts.
We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house,
Of Your holy temple.
11 You crown the year with Your goodness,
And Your paths drip with abundance.
12 They drop on the pastures of the wilderness,
And the little hills rejoice on every side.
13 The pastures are clothed with flocks;
The valleys also are covered with grain;
They shout for joy, they also sing.

I'm blessed!

A Friend

I'm still a little confused but just think it's beautiful

http://vimeo.com/27653079

Drink the Cup

I had a couple of pretty miserable days. Probably the days were actually fine, just I really wasn't. So as things don't look as they are getting any better and I get tired of being in pain I want to quit. I had this thought, "I just quit" - quit? Quit what?

I'm far from having any serious thought on suicide, though I did try to estimate how many more weeks I would have to live ;). It would be about 1500 weeks if God answers my often repeated request for a short life.

So no, I'm not thinking of quitting life but what then?
My life and work abroad, my relationships here, my ministry, my faith ....
Quitting work and life abroad would be quite dramatic, I actually really like my life and work here and leaving would not bring me in any better position. Quitting my faith is pretty much impossible, how could I stop believing what I know to be true, and then how could I ignore the call to follow Jesus when I have heard it, how could I live a life for no purpose when I know the purpose of life? How could I give up the only Hope I have, how turn away from the God who called me out of amazing grace, there is no other God I could turn to.

Even if I do not like the journey I'm on, there is no exit. NO way out. I stuck.
I read this morning about Jesus, who willingly took the cup from his father.
“Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?”
I feel challenged once more to face my situation with that attitude.
When thinking of life as a race, so was Jesus a far better runner than I am, but his attitude should be mine in the far smaller challenges I'm given, to drink the cup the Father has given me. Still struggling, though.

Perspective

To worship God has to be key in overcoming bitterness and despair. I believe and see that Worship gives me a better perspective as my own small minded, small hearted self. It gives me a glimpse of God's perspective. His Perspective is doubtless not only much more realistic but also much more hopeful and glorious. He always has the truth in sight. He always knows about His greatness and the good things He has promised and planned and will come to path. He never looses sight of the victory. His Focus is always right.

There is no hopelessness in the eyes of God!

You are God

Three in One, God, I don't even know how to address you properly. So much I cannot fathom about you, you are so above it all - Super Natural. It's my constant reminder that You are GOD and I am not! I want to trust you with all of my heart in all circumstances, because you are Love, God and My KING.
Thank you for calling me, allowing me to be your child. Thank you for grace and your assistance in every single step I walk with you. Thank you for holding me, even when I am loosing grip of you.
I love you!

His Works

Yesterday and today there has been only one prayer repeatedly on my heart. I speak it accompanied by an assurance that God is answering it.

"Fill me with your Spirit, so I can do your work"

It is a short and simple prayer and there hasn't been much more I talked with God about but I just sense and could see how he had put this prayer on my heart and led me into his works which he had prepared for me. It were only a few small encounters in which I was allowed to witness, encourage or pray for someone. Nothing Big, but I could see how God gave me a purpose and role in his works. What a great Joy it is to do HIS works! I take this experience as a gift of His grace, and pray that he may continue to fill me with his Spirit so I can do his works every single day.

Disconnected

My heart and my understanding seem to be very far from each other, somehow disconnected.
While I have a deep assurance of God's presence, his love and good plan for me and know that he hasn't forsaken me, I still do not feel it!
With an assurance I cannot explain I'm more certain about Him being God than I was many times in the past, but I feel it much less. He is super real in my knowledge, but as if I would have no access.

Remembering the command to love the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and strength, I can only say that I love the Lord with all of my mind. But my heart?

Lord help me to seek you with all I am, so I may love you with all I am.

Push harder

I had a long run and towards the end, me being quite tired and starting to feel the intense pain of exhaustion, my friend suggested to slow down and walk the last part of the round. Somehow I felt like pushing it, kept running and increased speed. The pain increased and my body's reaction made me wonder if I could just fall dead or at least unconscious while pushing to run. Well, I didn't but finished my round, knowing that never before I had pushed like that through the pain.

It's too early to make a final reflection on what all this Experience of pain in the past weeks has worked in me; what I've learned and how God and I benefit from it.
But one thing that became quite clear to me, is that I got a different relationship to pain.
Not even being aware of it, but I always believed that pain is an indicator for something going wrong and that I have to change something, stop or at least slow down. Not anymore though.
Pain might just be part of everything is going right and all it means is that I need to push harder, not being afraid of it's consequences.

Dependence by W.Cowper

To keep the lamp alive,
With oil we fill the bowl;
'Tis water makes the willow thrive,
And grace that feeds the soul.

The Lord's unsparing hand
Supplies the living stream;
It is not at our own command,
But still derived from Him.

Beware of Peter's word,
Nor confidently say,
"I never will deny Thee, Lord," --
But, -- "Grant I never may."

Man's wisdom is to seek
His strength in God alone;
And e'en an angel would be weak,
Who trusted in his own.

Retreat beneath his wings,
And in His gace confide!
This more exalts the King of kings
Than all your works beside.

In Jesus is our store,
Grace issues from His throne;
Whoever says, "I want no more,"
Confesses he has done.

Longing for the Spirit

I so long to experience and serve God in all His power. To Pray and Preach in the Spirit.
To grasp His authority and see him doing his work through me in greater things.
I never have given him anything, that He should repay me, but I plead for His grace to use me for his work.

Lord, purify my motives
and give me a deep longing for the Lost to be brought home to you

Use me in your harvest field
and don't let me return home without having done your work!

I'm desperate for his anointing, guidance, strength, joy and love for God
seeking and longing for a new filling with the Holy Spirit

The Battle to love and being loved

Last night I listened to the most recent sermon of J.Piper 'Jesus is the Resurrection and the Life" and as if he would have read my blog of yesterday, it speaks powerfully to me and in my situation, the battle I'm in. Already in his opening prayer he mentions The battle to love and being loved. Never Ever before have I been so much in exactly that battle.

How does God love us and me?
* He does not mainly love us in this life by sparing us suffering and death.
* He mainly loves us by showing us and giving us himself and his glory.
* God loves us mainly by giving us himself and all that he is for us in Jesus.
* Jesus loves us mainly by giving us himself and all that God is for us in him.

How do I measure God's Love?
* Don’t measure the love of God for you by how much health and wealth and comfort he brings into your life. (If that were the measure of God’s love, then he hated the apostle Paul.)
* Measure God’s love for you by how much of himself he shows you. How much of himself he gives you to know and enjoy.

God, I want You, yourself and your glory.
I want to see You, delight in You, I want to know You.
I want to love You!

God, Keep loving me!

God, keep loving me! Don't stop your rain of love and mercy over me. I am guilty of not receiving and rejoicing and not giving you a loving and thankful smile back, but please hold on. Don't give up on me. Keep your arms open and your eyes on me, keep calling me until I will turn to you and lay down my life before you again, sit at your feet and rest.
Father, I know of your endless and unconditional Love, and have no choice but relay on it. It's all by grace, amazing grace. I just have to trust, that you will keep loving me.

Am I Willing?

Now it seems that till recently, I only could duck and cover under the shield. But that isn't anymore. I've got strength to stand on my feet with feeble knees and fight. But do I?

Am I willing to resist bitterness? Am I willing to let go of Anger? Am I willing to let go of my wish that it would not have happened? Am I willing to be thankful?

There is something in me, wanting to hold on to all of anger, rebellion etc. too badly as that it would be easily overcome. Another part in me, just wants to love God, and let go of it. 
I JUST WANT TO LOVE GOD.
Can I get my heart and my will to follow this call of that something in me?
probably - HE overcame, I could walk in HIS foot-steps. Am I willing?

Remind Me Who I Am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSIVjjY8Ou8&feature=relmfu

Jumping up the Steps

Wow, I'm actually really doing so much better!
I'm so excited about that, this excitement about exactly that change even makes me doing better again. Jump, jump, jump

I still hurt; sometimes tear up, think far too much about E and all that; I’m surely not there yet,    BUT
I'm realizing, excited and a little surprised, that I've been jumping up quite some steps in the last couple of days. Yeah! Life has back some of its colors. I should probably say, my eyes have back some of their ability to see some of life’s colors.

Nature of Grief

Something I took out of the book "A severe Mercy" that I read last year and found in my journal entries:

Nature of grief: Each memory calls forth warm living reality once, it is followed by another little death and the tears.

According to this I should be able to work through the single memories and release their one-time living reality; live through that little death and it’s tears. By this, one by one those memories would loose their power, so I no longer would have to fear them.

I started today, and got through some of them. It wasn't easy to really stay in those memories and not push them away too quickly in order to stop it's pain. But I think I did stay in at least a few of them and I hope it works and helps me to grieve in a healthy way.

Besides that I had a really good day. Actually enjoyed time in Nature and with friends.

Fast Forward

These days God shows me again and again the importance of accepting my life. Accepting who I am and the situation I am in. It has been a month today, and I think I finally will have to let go of the wish to push the rewind button, only then I will be able to push the forward button.

I've been desiring so much to push the fast forward button of my life, just hoping to be soon at a point that things don't hurt that much anymore. Maybe it is actually possible to speed up the process.

What decisions and actions would it take?
- allowing and facing memories, giving grieve its way and not holding it back
- refocus on God spending time with him, Worship
- set my mind on new things, new goals (from God)
- pretending it to be OK, until it is OK (except those times and moments I give grieve its way)
- staying active, physical, social and ministry active

Maybe this way I will be able to fast forward

Insurance

I thought of a Break-Up-Insurance today. This may sound stupid at first, but think about it: People have LIFE insurances. Seriously, as if you could insure Life that way. No, you can’t. You should be already dead at the time the money is released. And whatever others will do with the money, it is not going to bring your life back.

BUT

Depending on how much worth you have been to others, they might be able to replace it with the money, by buying a Computer, Horse or Ferrari. This sounds cruel and hopefully in most cases won’t work that way, but nevertheless money might help.

After the same principal a Break-Up-Insurance could work, and it could be arranged quite simple. Both dating partners would agree on the amount they pay each month in the Break-Up-Insurance-Account.

So assuming in the course of their first romantic candlelight-dinner they agreed on 50 Euro per month. It would mean 100 Euro for each month of dating being paid in the B-U-Account. If now after 5 months one partner decides to break up the other one receives 500 Euro. After 10 months or after a year or two it would be even more.
So then the Money could be used for chocolate, travels, Bungee jumping or whatever else might help to get over the break-up.
The monthly payment should be increased in case of engagement.
If it comes to the happy day of Marriage, the Money could be taken out that account and be used for the wedding rings or something similar.
- genial ;)

Keep Hauling

One Day @ a time
and if it is too much,
from one meal-time to the next
and if that is still too much,
one hour @ a time.

I Keep Hauling

Little Room of Memories

You little room of memories
I shut the door and dumped the key
Cutting off my enemies
Now, will I have to open thee?

So much to my poetic vein for today ;)

It is as if there is a room where I banned all memories of the time with E. and today I felt as I would be sneaking around that door. It’s strange how I know that there are plenty of Memories I have, without actually having them; even now writing about it. In some ways it lets the time of dating, even E himself become quite unreal.

When I think of him now I think of him more as the one I knew before, than the one I got to know in the months of dating.

I do not attempt to dwell in memories making myself hurt unnecessarily; even more so after having pushed every memory so consequently in that little room unwilling to bear them. But probably that door would break open at some point, or those memories would leak out. Even if not I would always be afraid of what is behind that door. So I know soon I will have to open it.

Maybe it will go slowly, letting the small ones come out first and then face the biggest ones in the end. Maybe as soon as I open the door just slightly all of them will break free and overrun me. In any case afterwards they and I would be released.

(I'm not sure from where I take that conviction, but at least I hope so)

I don’t know when the time would be ripe, maybe very soon maybe I still have days or weeks to let wounds heal and become stronger. But also possible that sneaking around that door does more damage than actually opening it.

You have a Choice

Today, just in perfect timing a book from J.Meyer “Battlefield of the Mind” fell into my hands. I skimmed through it in a couple of hours, but think that I got most of what it was attended to tell. Much of what had been on my mind in the past days was confirmed, deepened and expounded.

A few thoughts I take from it:
· God has equipped me with what it takes to win this battle. 

· The battle isn’t easy and is not supposed to be easy, I will need patience and perseverance
· It is my responsibility to make the right choices, to listen to God and to obey
· Grieving yes but stop complaining and self-pity     
   ( I actually interrupted my own prayer this morning, because I couldn’t stand my whining anymore)
· My future isn’t any less bright because of the things that happened in the past weeks
· The answers to my Confusion and Questions, won’t be found in the human or my own understanding, but only by the Spirit’s revelation of God’s understanding

for every day:
- Worship, Praise, Thank God every day
- Spend much time in Prayer to seek God’s peace, HIS word and HIS answers
- Read and meditate on his words and use it to preach to myself

Accept & Fight

Accept the Pain
Accept it as part of life, as a test of faith and accept it as God's tool for sanctification.
Believing that God is God, admit that I am not, and trusting him, I should more and more be able to rejoice in this. Waiting for the pain to become less, is like watching a tree grow. While staring at it, it will never seem like anything is happening but when I stop worrying about it, I may be surprised about its progress one day. I'm in God's hand!


Fight the Battle
I cannot stand passively in battle and complain that I'm not winning anything. I have to prepare my mind for action, stand on God's Word and put on the armor of God. Fix my eyes on Jesus! Keep the goal in mind, which is bigger than my own survival, His glorification. I think I can make God smile here and maybe the devil cry. Well ... if not so at least be a mini witness of God's power.
HE will never let the righteous fall and as long as I shall live I will testify his love.


Writing this, aware that I'm currently not feeling the violence of the Pain nor the Battle, I almost could start believing that I can do this out of my own strength. But probably I don't have to worry about that; early enough reality will get me back and I will have to remember the reality of God's power in my life. GOD is REAL

Esh Okhlah

Out of the blue I thought of a Name used for God in the bible that a while ago had been quite important to me. All I remembered was that the Name started with OKH but not the whole word or the meaning of it. 
No problem for Google though; I found it:

Esh Okhlah (EISH oh-khe-LAH) consuming fire

I used to be fascinated by the thought that God is called consuming fire and jealous.

Mellow Fruit

As one of the things I always wanted to do when I have more time than I need, I'm reading Hamlet and much more than I thought I would, I'm enjoying it. It's a pity that the German translation cannot compare with the language of the original, but at least it allows me to follow the plot. I made it a bit more than half way today.
My favorite lines so far:

Player King:
I do believe you think what now you speak;
But what we do determine oft we break.
Purpose is but the slave to memory,
Of violent birth, but poor validity;
Which now, like fruit unripe, sticks on the tree;
But fall, unshaken, when they mellow be.

Some of the things that I thought were resolved for my life are put to the test and I struggle more than I would have thought it possible. 

• To put my trust in the Lord however the circumstance would look like 
• To be willing to surrender everything to him
• To give him my life and always seek his kingdom first? 

Currently those resolutions seem to be like unripe fruit, but they aren't fallen off the tree yet.

Hope and Truth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Mbv-uQAtyY&feature=related

Hope and Truth, how does that work again?
I guess I should hope for what is or will be truth and Truth should be what I hope for.
Not sure yet where I'm at with figuring out, what I hope for. 
There seem to be things that I know to be true but aren't real Truth in my life yet. 
Some of those Truth I struggle with because I cannot and other because I do not want to believe them.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

I would prefer the blue one but probably it is better to take the red pill.

Dune Dream

Most seldom do I remember a dream but this morning I woke up from a dream which I still remember very well.

I had been sitting on top of a giant sand dune next to an ocean. Together with many other people, some of them sitting farther down the dune towards the ocean, I was expecting to watch a Tsunami. Some huge waves clashed against the dune, and I was wondering if that is the Tsunami, but then a giant wave came and went up about a third of the sand dune. Some of the people who had been sitting much farther down were hit by the wave and pulled into the ocean. I heard some screaming and felt sad about it, but I was calm.

A few seconds later the Dune started to move. First I thought it’s an earthquake but then realized that the water from the Tsunami wave had affected the Sand-dune and now the Dune was going to deflate or to tip over. Then the dune started to tilt towards the inland which I realized was better than towards the ocean. But before I knew the end of what would happen with the sand-dune and all the people on it I woke up. My last thought in the dream was that I could die by being buried in the sand dune. 

Mind and Soul

Mind: Hi Soul wazzuupp? You’re looking a bit gloomy, today.

(imagining the voice of Annoying Orange ;) http://www.youtube.com/user/realannoyingorange#p/search/0/cL_qGMfbtAk)

Soul: yep, this isn’t fun, I just think it sucks and I’m goanna be grumpy forever ‘cause … life is hard … God doesn’t make sense to me and anyways what’s the purpose of all of this? I want to be grumpy and downcast forever.

Mind: WHAT?!!! Are you out of your Mind? - Ups, that’s me.

Soul: right Mind, where have you been? You seemed to be pretty occupied but I haven’t gotten much input from you.

Mind: Sorry! Yes, I guess I was occupied but not prepared for action.

Ok, first let me tell you: you do not WANT to be grumpy forever, believe me there's no benefit in that, and even more importantly, you really don’t have enough reason to just be depressed.

Soul: Huh? Mind, did you forget?

Mind: No, I know what you’re talking about; you haven’t been talking about anything else for 3 weeks. But it seems you are forgetting something much more important.
Do you remember HIS benefits? HE -I’m talking about God- forgave you all your sins. Do you get that? Don't just take it for granted, it's amazing. 
And then, HE heals you, everything broken in you he is going to restore. He redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with his love and compassion.

And all that you miss so much, all that you desire, HE will satisfy them with good things

 (Psalm 103:3-5).      Got it?

A Mind for Action

Very long 3 weeks of my life have past and I'm still waiting for the day that it gets easier.

Anger, hopelessness, self-pity and again anger seem to be overwhelming enemies these days. I started believing that I couldn't overcome them.

But I can for I would not be tempted beyond what I can bear and I have a Living Hope

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do;    
1Peter 1:13-15

I need to prepare my mind for action, focus my mind away from myself, and focus on HIM and on others. Get a new, His perspective and I should be able to rejoice in whatever difficult process I’m in. 
I believe it to be true and possible, but clearly not out of my own strength. It is a fight - not an easy one!

God's Purposes

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

William Cowper

Kick it back

Often when I hurt myself by e.g. running against a table, I get upset with the table and kick it back. I agree its hard to find reason to blame the table, but I kick it back anyways. Probably that’s quite childish but I really really want to kick sb. back right now!

Relax

I just hurt its part of life right now. The thought came to me that it might be possible to just accept that as a fact. Don’t scream, don’t rebel, and don’t try to fight it, just accept and relax.

Those moments of cramping pain, sometimes triggered by memories, fears or worries, sometimes because I run out of strength to ignore the constant feeling of hurt, they come and they go. I can let them pass praying, counting, holding my breath or just waiting. It does not matter, they pass. Maybe I cry maybe I don’t. I don’t embrace the pain, but I do not run away, either.

I just hurt and there is nothing I can or have to do against it.

God knows, God works and will heal, I relax.

The Sacrifice of Praise

“The Sacrifice of Praise” - Its key I believe. 

It was only a line in a song this morning but I noticed that God wants me to pay close attention. When receiving an email today, which helped me to let go of last remaining hopes for the broken off relationship, painful though good, it came to my mind again. It was not about how I felt; it was just that I knew it was the thing to do: to praise HIM.

God is good, I declare it

He is faithful, I declare it

He is sovereign, I declare it

He has done great things for me

God is mighty, I praise Him

He is merciful, I praise Him

He is awesome, I praise Him

He is precious to me

God, Author of Life, I trust you

Author of Salvation, I rejoice

Author and Perfecter of my faith

God Adonai, I follow you

Praise, an offering most valuable to God but also a sacrifice; giving up my self-focus, surrendering my dreams and my life to His will and a letting go.

I entrust him to take care of all that has to be done in and for me, and focus on Him and His kingdom.

 

from Timely Insights into God's Word from Khandielese Reyes

It is easy to give praise and thanks to God when you have everything, when all is going well and you lack nothing.  But the true challenge is offering up that praise and worship to God when you have NOTHING!  When you cannot even see at all a way out!  When the blessing appears so far down the road it seeps into the realm of impossibility in the Natural.   If you can STILL WORSHIP THE LORD WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING, when you are still suffering, when your body is filled with pain and your heart is aching over a loved one, when your pockets are empty and the bills are mounting, when you’re lonely and desiring a companion, when you seem to be attacked on all sides,  

IF you can STILL WORSHIP THE LORD when all you have is your FAITH while seeing no physical evidence of change, when all you know is that HE SAID, thus HE WILL DO IT according to HIS WORD, then the sound that comes forth from your lips beloved are that of a TRUE WORSHIPER and the Lord will SURELY bless you , for THIS my dear brothers and sisters IS “THE SACRIFICE OF PRAISE.”

To make God smile

I'm thinking about pleasing God today. To worship HIM and to trust HIS love, admiting that HE is God and I'm not. 

One of my all time favorite verses:

So we make it our goal to please him,
whether we are at home in the body or away from it. 
(2Cor 5:9)

and 2 more verses I'm meditating on today:

The Lord is pleased with those who worship him
and trust his love
(Psalm 147:11)

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand,
that he may lift you up in due time.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
(1Peter 5:6,7)

The Expert

Probably I’m still far from being an expert on how to deal with hardships but I increased my knowledge by experience quite a bit. 

What I need to do the "Deal with" – My top10

1.God
An intimate relationship with God. He is close to the broken hearted so this is a good time to seek him and spend time in his presence. I would be lost without his care, love, words encouragements and guidance.

2. Friends
one is great, but I believe for something like this, dealing with a break up, I need many more than one friend. I need many ears listening to me over and over again. I need those telling me how stupid he is and others confirming how wonderful he is and also those who are happy to do either one. I need those telling me to forget him as fast as I can, and those who tell me I never will. I need those crying and joking about it. I need even those who make me angry by their insensitive comments.

3.Time
Time is amazing. When I had enough of it (don’t know yet if weeks, months or years) I will be all good again.

4. Tears
They just feel so good as if they would release me for a little while

5. Writing
I do a lot of it and is a wonderful way of reflecting and getting things of my chest, I rather do not even tell my best friends.

6. Sport
or something similar to it. Just gives me a good feeling and makes me happy

7.Sun
Same as Sport

8. People
Being around other people and having something else to focus on

9. Discipline
It had occurred to me before that people being in some kind of painful process are not normal. Certainly I'm not. Thoughts are strange, emotions even worse and many conclusions are just wrong. It takes a lot of discipline to not give in to those thought/emotion based ideas. I'm looking for an example, but they are all together too embarrassing to share

10. Hope

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. (Psalm 62:5)

Necessary Pain

“Do you remember how many times I asked you to protect me from unnecessary pain?”

Remembering my fears and prayers even before we had started dating, I asked God why he didn’t stop me or E, before we started dating. As far as I know I was always honestly seeking his will, giving him plenty of time and opportunity to warn or correct me. Why didn’t He protect me?

Almost immediately HE reminded me of another prayer of mine, in which I often had said, that I would be willing to suffer for HIS case. What I had in mind when committing myself to HIM, saying I would be wiling to suffer for his kingdom, was more something like persecution for the Gospel. But Yes, I am willing.

Reading what I wrote in my journal the day before the break-up I start seeing how God was preparing my heart. I wrote about being broken before God:

“God, I want to say “break me!” but I see so much that I want to hold back. Take it all and equip me with what I need to do your works!”

Lyrics from Third Day came to my mind:

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus

Maybe this Pain is necessary.

Friends

I'm spending these days with a friend who opened her house for me. It is amazing, how much good it does to me being here. I'm so thankful for her and all the others who have been and are such a big support. What would I do without their ears listening to me over and over again. Without their encouragement and care, without their lives and thoughts that give me new things to think and care about
Their help doesn't take away any of the pain I'm going through, but they give me strength to walk through it, and eyes to look up.

Purpose

It becomes harder to ignore, or better said, easier to believe, that there is a good purpose in going through this. At least I thought so when hearing today's daily watchword:

Isaiah 48:10 (NIV)

See, I have refined you; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
 

I love the word "PURPOSE" it's my official favourit since some time last year. 

The Daily Watchwords or Losungen is an annual, globally distributed publication of the Moravian Church.

 

Catch me!

Often I just pray "God! Catch me!" I feel like falling, a painful fall. I know God's hand is all around, but I'm falling that fast, my eyes are teary, that I cannot see it. But I think today I was able to feel God's hand.

In church today, it was about suffering and challenges. Worship, Pictures and Sermon were to encourage those going through hardships.

1. A Picture shared by someone
There is a big pile with broken colored glass, but then out of those glass flinders a Cristal was made.

2.The sermon text
 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1.Peter 1:6-7

Initially I did not want to take those words in, being afraid of loosing my countenance, but under the constant rain of God's word eventually had to open my heart and then I did loose my countenance ;), but won a glimpse of purpose and hope in my situation.

 I cannot see it yet, but start believing that it will be all worth it. Being in the furnace for refinement. It might be good that I cannot run away, which I certainly would if I could. I'm going to rejoice in it.

Super Powers next

It feels as if the past days used up all my strength. I wonder: what now, what comes next? Even though going insane often doesn't feel too far away, I don't think that is next already. 

So if it is not going crazy, what is it then, what comes next?

I'm more or less forced to see that I'm in need of Super Powers from the Super Natural. 

While writing this I clicked through a few other blogs, and came across this:
  

GET STRONG, BE STRONG AND STAY STRONG  

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in
Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you
and make you strong, firm and steadfast. - 1 Peter 5:10 

I think it would be worth meditating on it  for a while

Treasures in Heaven

Treasures in Heaven - Burlap to Cashmere

I've seen you crying I've seen you on your knees
The wise man died so you can Store up treasures in heaven

The Spider

Next to my bed only a few inches away from my head I just encountered a Monster Spider- HUUUGE. Far too big and frightening to be ignored as I learned to do it with smaller ones, which still freak me out considerably .

My options:

• sleeping on the couch for the coming weeks, until I could be sure it would have died of old age
• waking up my brother or dad making them search and eliminate the monster under my bed
• or do it myself

Though I discovered soon that the spider is not only huge, even too big to be caught in a glass, without cutting of its legs, but also super fast and really really scary looking, I decided to not give up.

Right before the encounter, I had read a few things about pursuing goals and not giving up, so this seemed to me my first task of putting my new gained aim for persistence into praxis.

More and more furniture I carried out of the room, just to see the Spider run behind the next pillow, cupboard or box. I decided to keep going, still not knowing how I would be able to kill the beast, when I would finally face her in an empty room.

But then happened what I call "God's Hand". Eventually it was also the light cupboard's turn to be pulled out of the room. After having pulled out the cupboard, going back into the room to continue my mission I noticed several black dots all over the carpet - Spider-body-pieces. I collected them with a tissue and thanked God for killing the monster. He used me pulling out the cupboard, though I wonder why the super fast spider had not been able to escape the threat.

I take this as lesson from God, 
He wants me to pursue even the seemingly impossible, to not give up, because he is going to do the Job in the end.

why do I write

“The very impulse to write, I think, springs from an inner chaos crying for

order, for meaning, and that meaning must be discovered in the process of

writing or the work lies dead as it is finished.”

— Arthur Miller

I will

Not sure for who I'm writing, besides for myself, but I will talk to you in English. English is not my mother tongue but still I believe it is my heart language.

Tomorrow it will be a week, that E broke up our relationship. And yes, it did break my heart and still it is broken. I cannot really say that I'm any better by now, but something strange I noticed this morning. I kind of start believing what people keep telling me since almost a week now. It will be better, I will get over it... I will be fine again. I was happy before E, I will be so again.

 ...kind of, start believing...
I do not feel any better, and still can not believe I will be just fine again some day, but I start thinking I might be able to think that in just a little bit longer.

• Maybe because I have heard it over and over again. Maybe - quite often I observed that repeated statements, can become truth to people, even if they aren't. (That is why I believe it should be forbidden to state that the holocaust wasn't true.)
• Or maybe it is because I discovered pain-free moments in my day. Those, me just taking a shower, filling a washing machine, driving the car or making a cup of coffee. Those are moments are rare, still, but they are. If I get aware of them in the moment I enjoy them, otherwise they pass and I have missed, that I was just fine for a little while.
• Or it is, because finally my logic and understanding are gaining back some control over what I think and believe. Thousands have gone through what I'm in and were well after a while, so why should not I? Even much worse things happen to people and they are still able to continue.

In all this I know that HE, the source of Joy, is still there. I lost some of my ability to drink directly out of the source, but I put my hope in HIM to take me by the hand and lead me again to the source of living water.