I had a couple of pretty miserable days. Probably the days were actually fine, just I really wasn't. So as things don't look as they are getting any better and I get tired of being in pain I want to quit. I had this thought, "I just quit" - quit? Quit what?
I'm far from having any serious thought on suicide, though I did try to estimate how many more weeks I would have to live ;). It would be about 1500 weeks if God answers my often repeated request for a short life.
So no, I'm not thinking of quitting life but what then?
My life and work abroad, my relationships here, my ministry, my faith ....
Quitting work and life abroad would be quite dramatic, I actually really like my life and work here and leaving would not bring me in any better position. Quitting my faith is pretty much impossible, how could I stop believing what I know to be true, and then how could I ignore the call to follow Jesus when I have heard it, how could I live a life for no purpose when I know the purpose of life? How could I give up the only Hope I have, how turn away from the God who called me out of amazing grace, there is no other God I could turn to.
Even if I do not like the journey I'm on, there is no exit. NO way out. I stuck.
I read this morning about Jesus, who willingly took the cup from his father.
“Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?”
I feel challenged once more to face my situation with that attitude.
When thinking of life as a race, so was Jesus a far better runner than I am, but his attitude should be mine in the far smaller challenges I'm given, to drink the cup the Father has given me. Still struggling, though.
I'm far from having any serious thought on suicide, though I did try to estimate how many more weeks I would have to live ;). It would be about 1500 weeks if God answers my often repeated request for a short life.
So no, I'm not thinking of quitting life but what then?
My life and work abroad, my relationships here, my ministry, my faith ....
Quitting work and life abroad would be quite dramatic, I actually really like my life and work here and leaving would not bring me in any better position. Quitting my faith is pretty much impossible, how could I stop believing what I know to be true, and then how could I ignore the call to follow Jesus when I have heard it, how could I live a life for no purpose when I know the purpose of life? How could I give up the only Hope I have, how turn away from the God who called me out of amazing grace, there is no other God I could turn to.
Even if I do not like the journey I'm on, there is no exit. NO way out. I stuck.
I read this morning about Jesus, who willingly took the cup from his father.
“Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?”
I feel challenged once more to face my situation with that attitude.
When thinking of life as a race, so was Jesus a far better runner than I am, but his attitude should be mine in the far smaller challenges I'm given, to drink the cup the Father has given me. Still struggling, though.
instead of quitting life, i think you meant pausing it. just for the briefest of moments so you can actually breathe without worry and frustration with everything that has been going on. so that when you're ready, you can hit that play button again and go back to the life that you have come to love.
ReplyDeletebtw, thank you for that comment you left on my blog. your words mean so very much to me. it made my 7 years of blogging.
Thank you :)
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