Forgive

It has been on my mind for a couple of weeks, that I should forgive. It has been a hard one to tackle, somewhere missing the point of my accuse or blame towards E, since he did not do something major wrong and I know he never attended to hurt me and is truly sorry for having done so. Still I kept having waves of bitter anger at any time I felt the hurt that he caused. It has been like that for a while, but it got worse as I started to feel more disconnected from him.

I had even made a point to formulate for myself that I forgive him, but just the next time I saw him and it caused the pain, I felt as much anger against him. I started to realize that this cannot be good, but really didn't know what to do. I had tried to forgive and it didn't work - so what then? The Question now had been on my mind for a few days.

Today’s sermon was about forgiveness, first about receiving but then about forgiving others. It was highlighted that it is crucial to forgive but also that we cannot do it out of our own strength.

In short time I realized what was the Answer to my Question of the past days:

1. Not to forgive is not an option

2. I need to relay on God (not by might, not by power but by the Spirit)

3. I actually wanted someone (him) to pay for the pain, and needed to let go of it

I formulated a short prayer, admitting and repenting from the thoughts of making E pay for the pain he caused and asking God for his strength to forgive him.

It was the first time, today that I felt the pain but without the feeling of anger. Well, almost. Thoughts of Anger started to rise at one especially pain filled moment, but I was easily able to rebuke them and stand the pain without any more of it.

I see victory now, and even if I would fall again, I will go back to God and take his Grace that forgives me and his power to forgive E anew.

Corrie Ten Boom    "Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can funktion regardless of the temperature of the heart"