Dependence by W.Cowper

To keep the lamp alive,
With oil we fill the bowl;
'Tis water makes the willow thrive,
And grace that feeds the soul.

The Lord's unsparing hand
Supplies the living stream;
It is not at our own command,
But still derived from Him.

Beware of Peter's word,
Nor confidently say,
"I never will deny Thee, Lord," --
But, -- "Grant I never may."

Man's wisdom is to seek
His strength in God alone;
And e'en an angel would be weak,
Who trusted in his own.

Retreat beneath his wings,
And in His gace confide!
This more exalts the King of kings
Than all your works beside.

In Jesus is our store,
Grace issues from His throne;
Whoever says, "I want no more,"
Confesses he has done.

Longing for the Spirit

I so long to experience and serve God in all His power. To Pray and Preach in the Spirit.
To grasp His authority and see him doing his work through me in greater things.
I never have given him anything, that He should repay me, but I plead for His grace to use me for his work.

Lord, purify my motives
and give me a deep longing for the Lost to be brought home to you

Use me in your harvest field
and don't let me return home without having done your work!

I'm desperate for his anointing, guidance, strength, joy and love for God
seeking and longing for a new filling with the Holy Spirit

The Battle to love and being loved

Last night I listened to the most recent sermon of J.Piper 'Jesus is the Resurrection and the Life" and as if he would have read my blog of yesterday, it speaks powerfully to me and in my situation, the battle I'm in. Already in his opening prayer he mentions The battle to love and being loved. Never Ever before have I been so much in exactly that battle.

How does God love us and me?
* He does not mainly love us in this life by sparing us suffering and death.
* He mainly loves us by showing us and giving us himself and his glory.
* God loves us mainly by giving us himself and all that he is for us in Jesus.
* Jesus loves us mainly by giving us himself and all that God is for us in him.

How do I measure God's Love?
* Don’t measure the love of God for you by how much health and wealth and comfort he brings into your life. (If that were the measure of God’s love, then he hated the apostle Paul.)
* Measure God’s love for you by how much of himself he shows you. How much of himself he gives you to know and enjoy.

God, I want You, yourself and your glory.
I want to see You, delight in You, I want to know You.
I want to love You!

God, Keep loving me!

God, keep loving me! Don't stop your rain of love and mercy over me. I am guilty of not receiving and rejoicing and not giving you a loving and thankful smile back, but please hold on. Don't give up on me. Keep your arms open and your eyes on me, keep calling me until I will turn to you and lay down my life before you again, sit at your feet and rest.
Father, I know of your endless and unconditional Love, and have no choice but relay on it. It's all by grace, amazing grace. I just have to trust, that you will keep loving me.

Am I Willing?

Now it seems that till recently, I only could duck and cover under the shield. But that isn't anymore. I've got strength to stand on my feet with feeble knees and fight. But do I?

Am I willing to resist bitterness? Am I willing to let go of Anger? Am I willing to let go of my wish that it would not have happened? Am I willing to be thankful?

There is something in me, wanting to hold on to all of anger, rebellion etc. too badly as that it would be easily overcome. Another part in me, just wants to love God, and let go of it. 
I JUST WANT TO LOVE GOD.
Can I get my heart and my will to follow this call of that something in me?
probably - HE overcame, I could walk in HIS foot-steps. Am I willing?

Remind Me Who I Am

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QSIVjjY8Ou8&feature=relmfu

Jumping up the Steps

Wow, I'm actually really doing so much better!
I'm so excited about that, this excitement about exactly that change even makes me doing better again. Jump, jump, jump

I still hurt; sometimes tear up, think far too much about E and all that; I’m surely not there yet,    BUT
I'm realizing, excited and a little surprised, that I've been jumping up quite some steps in the last couple of days. Yeah! Life has back some of its colors. I should probably say, my eyes have back some of their ability to see some of life’s colors.

Nature of Grief

Something I took out of the book "A severe Mercy" that I read last year and found in my journal entries:

Nature of grief: Each memory calls forth warm living reality once, it is followed by another little death and the tears.

According to this I should be able to work through the single memories and release their one-time living reality; live through that little death and it’s tears. By this, one by one those memories would loose their power, so I no longer would have to fear them.

I started today, and got through some of them. It wasn't easy to really stay in those memories and not push them away too quickly in order to stop it's pain. But I think I did stay in at least a few of them and I hope it works and helps me to grieve in a healthy way.

Besides that I had a really good day. Actually enjoyed time in Nature and with friends.

Fast Forward

These days God shows me again and again the importance of accepting my life. Accepting who I am and the situation I am in. It has been a month today, and I think I finally will have to let go of the wish to push the rewind button, only then I will be able to push the forward button.

I've been desiring so much to push the fast forward button of my life, just hoping to be soon at a point that things don't hurt that much anymore. Maybe it is actually possible to speed up the process.

What decisions and actions would it take?
- allowing and facing memories, giving grieve its way and not holding it back
- refocus on God spending time with him, Worship
- set my mind on new things, new goals (from God)
- pretending it to be OK, until it is OK (except those times and moments I give grieve its way)
- staying active, physical, social and ministry active

Maybe this way I will be able to fast forward

Insurance

I thought of a Break-Up-Insurance today. This may sound stupid at first, but think about it: People have LIFE insurances. Seriously, as if you could insure Life that way. No, you can’t. You should be already dead at the time the money is released. And whatever others will do with the money, it is not going to bring your life back.

BUT

Depending on how much worth you have been to others, they might be able to replace it with the money, by buying a Computer, Horse or Ferrari. This sounds cruel and hopefully in most cases won’t work that way, but nevertheless money might help.

After the same principal a Break-Up-Insurance could work, and it could be arranged quite simple. Both dating partners would agree on the amount they pay each month in the Break-Up-Insurance-Account.

So assuming in the course of their first romantic candlelight-dinner they agreed on 50 Euro per month. It would mean 100 Euro for each month of dating being paid in the B-U-Account. If now after 5 months one partner decides to break up the other one receives 500 Euro. After 10 months or after a year or two it would be even more.
So then the Money could be used for chocolate, travels, Bungee jumping or whatever else might help to get over the break-up.
The monthly payment should be increased in case of engagement.
If it comes to the happy day of Marriage, the Money could be taken out that account and be used for the wedding rings or something similar.
- genial ;)

Keep Hauling

One Day @ a time
and if it is too much,
from one meal-time to the next
and if that is still too much,
one hour @ a time.

I Keep Hauling

Little Room of Memories

You little room of memories
I shut the door and dumped the key
Cutting off my enemies
Now, will I have to open thee?

So much to my poetic vein for today ;)

It is as if there is a room where I banned all memories of the time with E. and today I felt as I would be sneaking around that door. It’s strange how I know that there are plenty of Memories I have, without actually having them; even now writing about it. In some ways it lets the time of dating, even E himself become quite unreal.

When I think of him now I think of him more as the one I knew before, than the one I got to know in the months of dating.

I do not attempt to dwell in memories making myself hurt unnecessarily; even more so after having pushed every memory so consequently in that little room unwilling to bear them. But probably that door would break open at some point, or those memories would leak out. Even if not I would always be afraid of what is behind that door. So I know soon I will have to open it.

Maybe it will go slowly, letting the small ones come out first and then face the biggest ones in the end. Maybe as soon as I open the door just slightly all of them will break free and overrun me. In any case afterwards they and I would be released.

(I'm not sure from where I take that conviction, but at least I hope so)

I don’t know when the time would be ripe, maybe very soon maybe I still have days or weeks to let wounds heal and become stronger. But also possible that sneaking around that door does more damage than actually opening it.

You have a Choice

Today, just in perfect timing a book from J.Meyer “Battlefield of the Mind” fell into my hands. I skimmed through it in a couple of hours, but think that I got most of what it was attended to tell. Much of what had been on my mind in the past days was confirmed, deepened and expounded.

A few thoughts I take from it:
· God has equipped me with what it takes to win this battle. 

· The battle isn’t easy and is not supposed to be easy, I will need patience and perseverance
· It is my responsibility to make the right choices, to listen to God and to obey
· Grieving yes but stop complaining and self-pity     
   ( I actually interrupted my own prayer this morning, because I couldn’t stand my whining anymore)
· My future isn’t any less bright because of the things that happened in the past weeks
· The answers to my Confusion and Questions, won’t be found in the human or my own understanding, but only by the Spirit’s revelation of God’s understanding

for every day:
- Worship, Praise, Thank God every day
- Spend much time in Prayer to seek God’s peace, HIS word and HIS answers
- Read and meditate on his words and use it to preach to myself

Accept & Fight

Accept the Pain
Accept it as part of life, as a test of faith and accept it as God's tool for sanctification.
Believing that God is God, admit that I am not, and trusting him, I should more and more be able to rejoice in this. Waiting for the pain to become less, is like watching a tree grow. While staring at it, it will never seem like anything is happening but when I stop worrying about it, I may be surprised about its progress one day. I'm in God's hand!


Fight the Battle
I cannot stand passively in battle and complain that I'm not winning anything. I have to prepare my mind for action, stand on God's Word and put on the armor of God. Fix my eyes on Jesus! Keep the goal in mind, which is bigger than my own survival, His glorification. I think I can make God smile here and maybe the devil cry. Well ... if not so at least be a mini witness of God's power.
HE will never let the righteous fall and as long as I shall live I will testify his love.


Writing this, aware that I'm currently not feeling the violence of the Pain nor the Battle, I almost could start believing that I can do this out of my own strength. But probably I don't have to worry about that; early enough reality will get me back and I will have to remember the reality of God's power in my life. GOD is REAL

Esh Okhlah

Out of the blue I thought of a Name used for God in the bible that a while ago had been quite important to me. All I remembered was that the Name started with OKH but not the whole word or the meaning of it. 
No problem for Google though; I found it:

Esh Okhlah (EISH oh-khe-LAH) consuming fire

I used to be fascinated by the thought that God is called consuming fire and jealous.

Mellow Fruit

As one of the things I always wanted to do when I have more time than I need, I'm reading Hamlet and much more than I thought I would, I'm enjoying it. It's a pity that the German translation cannot compare with the language of the original, but at least it allows me to follow the plot. I made it a bit more than half way today.
My favorite lines so far:

Player King:
I do believe you think what now you speak;
But what we do determine oft we break.
Purpose is but the slave to memory,
Of violent birth, but poor validity;
Which now, like fruit unripe, sticks on the tree;
But fall, unshaken, when they mellow be.

Some of the things that I thought were resolved for my life are put to the test and I struggle more than I would have thought it possible. 

• To put my trust in the Lord however the circumstance would look like 
• To be willing to surrender everything to him
• To give him my life and always seek his kingdom first? 

Currently those resolutions seem to be like unripe fruit, but they aren't fallen off the tree yet.

Hope and Truth

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8Mbv-uQAtyY&feature=related

Hope and Truth, how does that work again?
I guess I should hope for what is or will be truth and Truth should be what I hope for.
Not sure yet where I'm at with figuring out, what I hope for. 
There seem to be things that I know to be true but aren't real Truth in my life yet. 
Some of those Truth I struggle with because I cannot and other because I do not want to believe them.

Then you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

I would prefer the blue one but probably it is better to take the red pill.

Dune Dream

Most seldom do I remember a dream but this morning I woke up from a dream which I still remember very well.

I had been sitting on top of a giant sand dune next to an ocean. Together with many other people, some of them sitting farther down the dune towards the ocean, I was expecting to watch a Tsunami. Some huge waves clashed against the dune, and I was wondering if that is the Tsunami, but then a giant wave came and went up about a third of the sand dune. Some of the people who had been sitting much farther down were hit by the wave and pulled into the ocean. I heard some screaming and felt sad about it, but I was calm.

A few seconds later the Dune started to move. First I thought it’s an earthquake but then realized that the water from the Tsunami wave had affected the Sand-dune and now the Dune was going to deflate or to tip over. Then the dune started to tilt towards the inland which I realized was better than towards the ocean. But before I knew the end of what would happen with the sand-dune and all the people on it I woke up. My last thought in the dream was that I could die by being buried in the sand dune. 

Mind and Soul

Mind: Hi Soul wazzuupp? You’re looking a bit gloomy, today.

(imagining the voice of Annoying Orange ;) http://www.youtube.com/user/realannoyingorange#p/search/0/cL_qGMfbtAk)

Soul: yep, this isn’t fun, I just think it sucks and I’m goanna be grumpy forever ‘cause … life is hard … God doesn’t make sense to me and anyways what’s the purpose of all of this? I want to be grumpy and downcast forever.

Mind: WHAT?!!! Are you out of your Mind? - Ups, that’s me.

Soul: right Mind, where have you been? You seemed to be pretty occupied but I haven’t gotten much input from you.

Mind: Sorry! Yes, I guess I was occupied but not prepared for action.

Ok, first let me tell you: you do not WANT to be grumpy forever, believe me there's no benefit in that, and even more importantly, you really don’t have enough reason to just be depressed.

Soul: Huh? Mind, did you forget?

Mind: No, I know what you’re talking about; you haven’t been talking about anything else for 3 weeks. But it seems you are forgetting something much more important.
Do you remember HIS benefits? HE -I’m talking about God- forgave you all your sins. Do you get that? Don't just take it for granted, it's amazing. 
And then, HE heals you, everything broken in you he is going to restore. He redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with his love and compassion.

And all that you miss so much, all that you desire, HE will satisfy them with good things

 (Psalm 103:3-5).      Got it?

A Mind for Action

Very long 3 weeks of my life have past and I'm still waiting for the day that it gets easier.

Anger, hopelessness, self-pity and again anger seem to be overwhelming enemies these days. I started believing that I couldn't overcome them.

But I can for I would not be tempted beyond what I can bear and I have a Living Hope

Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. As obedient children, do not conform to the evil desires you had when you lived in ignorance. But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do;    
1Peter 1:13-15

I need to prepare my mind for action, focus my mind away from myself, and focus on HIM and on others. Get a new, His perspective and I should be able to rejoice in whatever difficult process I’m in. 
I believe it to be true and possible, but clearly not out of my own strength. It is a fight - not an easy one!