God's Purposes

God moves in a mysterious way
His wonders to perform;
He plants His footsteps in the sea
And rides upon the storm.

Deep in unfathomable mines
Of never failing skill
He treasures up His bright designs
And works His sovereign will.

Ye fearful saints, fresh courage take;
The clouds ye so much dread
Are big with mercy and shall break
In blessings on your head.

Judge not the Lord by feeble sense,
But trust Him for His grace;
Behind a frowning providence
He hides a smiling face.

His purposes will ripen fast,
Unfolding every hour;
The bud may have a bitter taste,
But sweet will be the flower.

Blind unbelief is sure to err
And scan His work in vain;
God is His own interpreter,
And He will make it plain.

William Cowper

Kick it back

Often when I hurt myself by e.g. running against a table, I get upset with the table and kick it back. I agree its hard to find reason to blame the table, but I kick it back anyways. Probably that’s quite childish but I really really want to kick sb. back right now!

Relax

I just hurt its part of life right now. The thought came to me that it might be possible to just accept that as a fact. Don’t scream, don’t rebel, and don’t try to fight it, just accept and relax.

Those moments of cramping pain, sometimes triggered by memories, fears or worries, sometimes because I run out of strength to ignore the constant feeling of hurt, they come and they go. I can let them pass praying, counting, holding my breath or just waiting. It does not matter, they pass. Maybe I cry maybe I don’t. I don’t embrace the pain, but I do not run away, either.

I just hurt and there is nothing I can or have to do against it.

God knows, God works and will heal, I relax.

The Sacrifice of Praise

“The Sacrifice of Praise” - Its key I believe. 

It was only a line in a song this morning but I noticed that God wants me to pay close attention. When receiving an email today, which helped me to let go of last remaining hopes for the broken off relationship, painful though good, it came to my mind again. It was not about how I felt; it was just that I knew it was the thing to do: to praise HIM.

God is good, I declare it

He is faithful, I declare it

He is sovereign, I declare it

He has done great things for me

God is mighty, I praise Him

He is merciful, I praise Him

He is awesome, I praise Him

He is precious to me

God, Author of Life, I trust you

Author of Salvation, I rejoice

Author and Perfecter of my faith

God Adonai, I follow you

Praise, an offering most valuable to God but also a sacrifice; giving up my self-focus, surrendering my dreams and my life to His will and a letting go.

I entrust him to take care of all that has to be done in and for me, and focus on Him and His kingdom.

 

from Timely Insights into God's Word from Khandielese Reyes

It is easy to give praise and thanks to God when you have everything, when all is going well and you lack nothing.  But the true challenge is offering up that praise and worship to God when you have NOTHING!  When you cannot even see at all a way out!  When the blessing appears so far down the road it seeps into the realm of impossibility in the Natural.   If you can STILL WORSHIP THE LORD WHEN YOU HAVE NOTHING, when you are still suffering, when your body is filled with pain and your heart is aching over a loved one, when your pockets are empty and the bills are mounting, when you’re lonely and desiring a companion, when you seem to be attacked on all sides,  

IF you can STILL WORSHIP THE LORD when all you have is your FAITH while seeing no physical evidence of change, when all you know is that HE SAID, thus HE WILL DO IT according to HIS WORD, then the sound that comes forth from your lips beloved are that of a TRUE WORSHIPER and the Lord will SURELY bless you , for THIS my dear brothers and sisters IS “THE SACRIFICE OF PRAISE.”

To make God smile

I'm thinking about pleasing God today. To worship HIM and to trust HIS love, admiting that HE is God and I'm not. 

One of my all time favorite verses:

So we make it our goal to please him,
whether we are at home in the body or away from it. 
(2Cor 5:9)

and 2 more verses I'm meditating on today:

The Lord is pleased with those who worship him
and trust his love
(Psalm 147:11)

Humble yourselves, therefore, under God’s mighty hand,
that he may lift you up in due time.
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
(1Peter 5:6,7)

The Expert

Probably I’m still far from being an expert on how to deal with hardships but I increased my knowledge by experience quite a bit. 

What I need to do the "Deal with" – My top10

1.God
An intimate relationship with God. He is close to the broken hearted so this is a good time to seek him and spend time in his presence. I would be lost without his care, love, words encouragements and guidance.

2. Friends
one is great, but I believe for something like this, dealing with a break up, I need many more than one friend. I need many ears listening to me over and over again. I need those telling me how stupid he is and others confirming how wonderful he is and also those who are happy to do either one. I need those telling me to forget him as fast as I can, and those who tell me I never will. I need those crying and joking about it. I need even those who make me angry by their insensitive comments.

3.Time
Time is amazing. When I had enough of it (don’t know yet if weeks, months or years) I will be all good again.

4. Tears
They just feel so good as if they would release me for a little while

5. Writing
I do a lot of it and is a wonderful way of reflecting and getting things of my chest, I rather do not even tell my best friends.

6. Sport
or something similar to it. Just gives me a good feeling and makes me happy

7.Sun
Same as Sport

8. People
Being around other people and having something else to focus on

9. Discipline
It had occurred to me before that people being in some kind of painful process are not normal. Certainly I'm not. Thoughts are strange, emotions even worse and many conclusions are just wrong. It takes a lot of discipline to not give in to those thought/emotion based ideas. I'm looking for an example, but they are all together too embarrassing to share

10. Hope

Yes, my soul, find rest in God; my hope comes from him. (Psalm 62:5)

Necessary Pain

“Do you remember how many times I asked you to protect me from unnecessary pain?”

Remembering my fears and prayers even before we had started dating, I asked God why he didn’t stop me or E, before we started dating. As far as I know I was always honestly seeking his will, giving him plenty of time and opportunity to warn or correct me. Why didn’t He protect me?

Almost immediately HE reminded me of another prayer of mine, in which I often had said, that I would be willing to suffer for HIS case. What I had in mind when committing myself to HIM, saying I would be wiling to suffer for his kingdom, was more something like persecution for the Gospel. But Yes, I am willing.

Reading what I wrote in my journal the day before the break-up I start seeing how God was preparing my heart. I wrote about being broken before God:

“God, I want to say “break me!” but I see so much that I want to hold back. Take it all and equip me with what I need to do your works!”

Lyrics from Third Day came to my mind:

Please take from me my life
When I don't have the strength
to give it away to You Jesus

Maybe this Pain is necessary.

Friends

I'm spending these days with a friend who opened her house for me. It is amazing, how much good it does to me being here. I'm so thankful for her and all the others who have been and are such a big support. What would I do without their ears listening to me over and over again. Without their encouragement and care, without their lives and thoughts that give me new things to think and care about
Their help doesn't take away any of the pain I'm going through, but they give me strength to walk through it, and eyes to look up.

Purpose

It becomes harder to ignore, or better said, easier to believe, that there is a good purpose in going through this. At least I thought so when hearing today's daily watchword:

Isaiah 48:10 (NIV)

See, I have refined you; I have tested you in the furnace of affliction.
 

I love the word "PURPOSE" it's my official favourit since some time last year. 

The Daily Watchwords or Losungen is an annual, globally distributed publication of the Moravian Church.

 

Catch me!

Often I just pray "God! Catch me!" I feel like falling, a painful fall. I know God's hand is all around, but I'm falling that fast, my eyes are teary, that I cannot see it. But I think today I was able to feel God's hand.

In church today, it was about suffering and challenges. Worship, Pictures and Sermon were to encourage those going through hardships.

1. A Picture shared by someone
There is a big pile with broken colored glass, but then out of those glass flinders a Cristal was made.

2.The sermon text
 In all this you greatly rejoice, though now for a little while you may have had to suffer grief in all kinds of trials. These have come so that the proven genuineness of your faith—of greater worth than gold, which perishes even though refined by fire—may result in praise, glory and honor when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1.Peter 1:6-7

Initially I did not want to take those words in, being afraid of loosing my countenance, but under the constant rain of God's word eventually had to open my heart and then I did loose my countenance ;), but won a glimpse of purpose and hope in my situation.

 I cannot see it yet, but start believing that it will be all worth it. Being in the furnace for refinement. It might be good that I cannot run away, which I certainly would if I could. I'm going to rejoice in it.

Super Powers next

It feels as if the past days used up all my strength. I wonder: what now, what comes next? Even though going insane often doesn't feel too far away, I don't think that is next already. 

So if it is not going crazy, what is it then, what comes next?

I'm more or less forced to see that I'm in need of Super Powers from the Super Natural. 

While writing this I clicked through a few other blogs, and came across this:
  

GET STRONG, BE STRONG AND STAY STRONG  

And the God of all grace, who called you to his eternal glory in
Christ, after you have suffered a little while, will himself restore you
and make you strong, firm and steadfast. - 1 Peter 5:10 

I think it would be worth meditating on it  for a while

Treasures in Heaven

Treasures in Heaven - Burlap to Cashmere

I've seen you crying I've seen you on your knees
The wise man died so you can Store up treasures in heaven

The Spider

Next to my bed only a few inches away from my head I just encountered a Monster Spider- HUUUGE. Far too big and frightening to be ignored as I learned to do it with smaller ones, which still freak me out considerably .

My options:

• sleeping on the couch for the coming weeks, until I could be sure it would have died of old age
• waking up my brother or dad making them search and eliminate the monster under my bed
• or do it myself

Though I discovered soon that the spider is not only huge, even too big to be caught in a glass, without cutting of its legs, but also super fast and really really scary looking, I decided to not give up.

Right before the encounter, I had read a few things about pursuing goals and not giving up, so this seemed to me my first task of putting my new gained aim for persistence into praxis.

More and more furniture I carried out of the room, just to see the Spider run behind the next pillow, cupboard or box. I decided to keep going, still not knowing how I would be able to kill the beast, when I would finally face her in an empty room.

But then happened what I call "God's Hand". Eventually it was also the light cupboard's turn to be pulled out of the room. After having pulled out the cupboard, going back into the room to continue my mission I noticed several black dots all over the carpet - Spider-body-pieces. I collected them with a tissue and thanked God for killing the monster. He used me pulling out the cupboard, though I wonder why the super fast spider had not been able to escape the threat.

I take this as lesson from God, 
He wants me to pursue even the seemingly impossible, to not give up, because he is going to do the Job in the end.

why do I write

“The very impulse to write, I think, springs from an inner chaos crying for

order, for meaning, and that meaning must be discovered in the process of

writing or the work lies dead as it is finished.”

— Arthur Miller

I will

Not sure for who I'm writing, besides for myself, but I will talk to you in English. English is not my mother tongue but still I believe it is my heart language.

Tomorrow it will be a week, that E broke up our relationship. And yes, it did break my heart and still it is broken. I cannot really say that I'm any better by now, but something strange I noticed this morning. I kind of start believing what people keep telling me since almost a week now. It will be better, I will get over it... I will be fine again. I was happy before E, I will be so again.

 ...kind of, start believing...
I do not feel any better, and still can not believe I will be just fine again some day, but I start thinking I might be able to think that in just a little bit longer.

• Maybe because I have heard it over and over again. Maybe - quite often I observed that repeated statements, can become truth to people, even if they aren't. (That is why I believe it should be forbidden to state that the holocaust wasn't true.)
• Or maybe it is because I discovered pain-free moments in my day. Those, me just taking a shower, filling a washing machine, driving the car or making a cup of coffee. Those are moments are rare, still, but they are. If I get aware of them in the moment I enjoy them, otherwise they pass and I have missed, that I was just fine for a little while.
• Or it is, because finally my logic and understanding are gaining back some control over what I think and believe. Thousands have gone through what I'm in and were well after a while, so why should not I? Even much worse things happen to people and they are still able to continue.

In all this I know that HE, the source of Joy, is still there. I lost some of my ability to drink directly out of the source, but I put my hope in HIM to take me by the hand and lead me again to the source of living water.