Sleepless

As much as I probably would need sufficient sleep, I'm still kind of thankful for having had a few hours to rest and think. It was one of those, like so many nights in the past weeks, that I woke up in the middle and then just stayed resting in bed, mainly listening to music. I will be super tired having a very long day ahead of me, but I had some time to pray and reflect a little on where I am at, right now.

Most of the time, I feel like sitting in an anteroom waiting for God to call me in.
In one sense I assume and even experience that God is sitting just right beside me doing me good and I'm slowly healing under the work of his hands.
In another way the door to his inner room might be standing wide open, and he is calling me in, but my legs don't move or something is holding me back on my chair in the waiting room.
I don't really know, it may take a few more sleepless nights until God leads me to the answer.

God is for me

I'm very encouraged by prophetic words given to me yesterday. One of them confirmed and deepened my impression I had from God just the day before in my devotion time. The other first spoken Prophesy was exactly the same spoken to me a few months ago, what was the only other chance I ever had have to receive a prophetic word from someone else. So Both words have been clearly confirmed, which is a huge blessing, that way I cannot doubt their origin and are truly encouraged by them and keep them in my heart.

Besides being encouraged by the prophetic words themselves it was also a new confirmation of God's care for me. If I really know know with my hear (not only my mind) that he loves and cares for me, it makes a huge difference. I feel the difference. Even when being sad, I still feel encouraged. Knowing God is for me.

Paths dripping with Abundance

For a few days I was reading in Psalm 60 to 70. I think they all are particularly close to my heart but reading Psalm 65 was the first time since a while that I not only knew but felt some of the closeness to my Lord.
I'm experiencing the assurance of being chosen and called to be close to him and to find my delight and satisfaction in Himself and His goodness. Knowing this, I'm having renewed hopes. Even though it feels like desert, the path HE is taking me on, is leading into his abundance - yeah! Purpose! :)

4 Blessed is the man You choose,
And cause to approach You,
That he may dwell in Your courts.
We shall be satisfied with the goodness of Your house,
Of Your holy temple.
11 You crown the year with Your goodness,
And Your paths drip with abundance.
12 They drop on the pastures of the wilderness,
And the little hills rejoice on every side.
13 The pastures are clothed with flocks;
The valleys also are covered with grain;
They shout for joy, they also sing.

I'm blessed!

A Friend

I'm still a little confused but just think it's beautiful

http://vimeo.com/27653079

Drink the Cup

I had a couple of pretty miserable days. Probably the days were actually fine, just I really wasn't. So as things don't look as they are getting any better and I get tired of being in pain I want to quit. I had this thought, "I just quit" - quit? Quit what?

I'm far from having any serious thought on suicide, though I did try to estimate how many more weeks I would have to live ;). It would be about 1500 weeks if God answers my often repeated request for a short life.

So no, I'm not thinking of quitting life but what then?
My life and work abroad, my relationships here, my ministry, my faith ....
Quitting work and life abroad would be quite dramatic, I actually really like my life and work here and leaving would not bring me in any better position. Quitting my faith is pretty much impossible, how could I stop believing what I know to be true, and then how could I ignore the call to follow Jesus when I have heard it, how could I live a life for no purpose when I know the purpose of life? How could I give up the only Hope I have, how turn away from the God who called me out of amazing grace, there is no other God I could turn to.

Even if I do not like the journey I'm on, there is no exit. NO way out. I stuck.
I read this morning about Jesus, who willingly took the cup from his father.
“Shall I not drink the cup the Father has given me?”
I feel challenged once more to face my situation with that attitude.
When thinking of life as a race, so was Jesus a far better runner than I am, but his attitude should be mine in the far smaller challenges I'm given, to drink the cup the Father has given me. Still struggling, though.

Perspective

To worship God has to be key in overcoming bitterness and despair. I believe and see that Worship gives me a better perspective as my own small minded, small hearted self. It gives me a glimpse of God's perspective. His Perspective is doubtless not only much more realistic but also much more hopeful and glorious. He always has the truth in sight. He always knows about His greatness and the good things He has promised and planned and will come to path. He never looses sight of the victory. His Focus is always right.

There is no hopelessness in the eyes of God!

You are God

Three in One, God, I don't even know how to address you properly. So much I cannot fathom about you, you are so above it all - Super Natural. It's my constant reminder that You are GOD and I am not! I want to trust you with all of my heart in all circumstances, because you are Love, God and My KING.
Thank you for calling me, allowing me to be your child. Thank you for grace and your assistance in every single step I walk with you. Thank you for holding me, even when I am loosing grip of you.
I love you!

His Works

Yesterday and today there has been only one prayer repeatedly on my heart. I speak it accompanied by an assurance that God is answering it.

"Fill me with your Spirit, so I can do your work"

It is a short and simple prayer and there hasn't been much more I talked with God about but I just sense and could see how he had put this prayer on my heart and led me into his works which he had prepared for me. It were only a few small encounters in which I was allowed to witness, encourage or pray for someone. Nothing Big, but I could see how God gave me a purpose and role in his works. What a great Joy it is to do HIS works! I take this experience as a gift of His grace, and pray that he may continue to fill me with his Spirit so I can do his works every single day.

Disconnected

My heart and my understanding seem to be very far from each other, somehow disconnected.
While I have a deep assurance of God's presence, his love and good plan for me and know that he hasn't forsaken me, I still do not feel it!
With an assurance I cannot explain I'm more certain about Him being God than I was many times in the past, but I feel it much less. He is super real in my knowledge, but as if I would have no access.

Remembering the command to love the Lord my God with all my heart, all my soul, all my mind and strength, I can only say that I love the Lord with all of my mind. But my heart?

Lord help me to seek you with all I am, so I may love you with all I am.

Push harder

I had a long run and towards the end, me being quite tired and starting to feel the intense pain of exhaustion, my friend suggested to slow down and walk the last part of the round. Somehow I felt like pushing it, kept running and increased speed. The pain increased and my body's reaction made me wonder if I could just fall dead or at least unconscious while pushing to run. Well, I didn't but finished my round, knowing that never before I had pushed like that through the pain.

It's too early to make a final reflection on what all this Experience of pain in the past weeks has worked in me; what I've learned and how God and I benefit from it.
But one thing that became quite clear to me, is that I got a different relationship to pain.
Not even being aware of it, but I always believed that pain is an indicator for something going wrong and that I have to change something, stop or at least slow down. Not anymore though.
Pain might just be part of everything is going right and all it means is that I need to push harder, not being afraid of it's consequences.