Forgive

It has been on my mind for a couple of weeks, that I should forgive. It has been a hard one to tackle, somewhere missing the point of my accuse or blame towards E, since he did not do something major wrong and I know he never attended to hurt me and is truly sorry for having done so. Still I kept having waves of bitter anger at any time I felt the hurt that he caused. It has been like that for a while, but it got worse as I started to feel more disconnected from him.

I had even made a point to formulate for myself that I forgive him, but just the next time I saw him and it caused the pain, I felt as much anger against him. I started to realize that this cannot be good, but really didn't know what to do. I had tried to forgive and it didn't work - so what then? The Question now had been on my mind for a few days.

Today’s sermon was about forgiveness, first about receiving but then about forgiving others. It was highlighted that it is crucial to forgive but also that we cannot do it out of our own strength.

In short time I realized what was the Answer to my Question of the past days:

1. Not to forgive is not an option

2. I need to relay on God (not by might, not by power but by the Spirit)

3. I actually wanted someone (him) to pay for the pain, and needed to let go of it

I formulated a short prayer, admitting and repenting from the thoughts of making E pay for the pain he caused and asking God for his strength to forgive him.

It was the first time, today that I felt the pain but without the feeling of anger. Well, almost. Thoughts of Anger started to rise at one especially pain filled moment, but I was easily able to rebuke them and stand the pain without any more of it.

I see victory now, and even if I would fall again, I will go back to God and take his Grace that forgives me and his power to forgive E anew.

Corrie Ten Boom    "Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can funktion regardless of the temperature of the heart" 

Who Cares?

Thinking of how many people don't know anybody caring for them, is truly saddening. It occurred to me, that I'm part of the reason for a world full of lonely people. Isn't it self-focus and selfishness that keeps people/ keeps me from caring for others. Not feeling cared for is what I think is pretty much the same as feeling lonely.
Arrgh, how I want to be completely freed of this self-stuff, so I could serve God and others in HIS ways.
I know loneliness but I'm still thankful for living around people who have been liberated (at least to some degree) from their self-focus and selfishness and are able to care for me.
Even more than that I'm thankful for God's care I know and experience. Though knowing that I'm only able to receive and understand part of God's care it is better than anything men can give.
I long for people, as I do for myself, to see more of God's care for them.

Highlights

What do I look forward to? Isn't it that way, that we usually always look forward to something. I used to. There were the weekends, with a lot of fun with friends, there were those times I was excited about an upcoming travel or just a holiday that I would spend with people I love or... I don't remember, but it feels as if there would have been always something . For many weeks I was constantly looking forward to the next time I would see E., now I remember how harsh it felt not having that anymore.

Nowadays it feels as if work would be my main Highlight, work and the moment at night after full long days but knowing I finished my days work. All that, while doing many other "fun"-things. But I'm not really excited about them. I do them, they are good for me and I kind of enjoy them but the excitement I show is rarely from my inside. 

I really enjoy Work, though. I don't know what it is, just notice that it makes me more happy than any social event or fun-activity. Maybe it is the some kind of affirmation, which I seemingly need more than fun or relexation.

It is probably good, considering there might be only few people who love their work as I do, but at the same time it makes me a little sad. It would be awesome to get truly excited about something, to really be looking forward to something special,